easy push of a button

I sometimes wish problems could solved as easy as a push of a button. Sigh..

push – problems solved

 image from http://www.mylifeinacube.com/

Fileds of Gold

This is just a sad song for me, probably the tune, but I really like it. Anyway this line is for you.

 

Will you stay with me, will you be my love
Among the fields of barley?
We’ll forget the sun in his jealous sky
As we lie in fields of gold

words that linger

“lets just break-up”

“I deserve someone better”

“you are like chickenfeet” (chickenfeet – a person, yeah its a food)

Without you love to sheath me, I think I will never recover…

unfinished message for you

Let me just find the right words to finish it.

they say that you’ve never lived until you loved with all your heart and with all your soul. I’ve finally found it. My heart is screaming your name, screaming that i love you so. I can no longer contain the feeling inside that it will burst out of my mouth. It is making me weak, I can’t consentrate, I’m constantly thinking of you. No more words can say how madly I am in love with you. 2/21/08

Happy thoughts is the key

At the office bored to death, listening to my ipod and staring blankly at my desktop screen thinking.  Thinking of how my life have become and what I made out of it. Still complaining because I don’t get all what I want. Still not contented because all I see  are failures.

I remember mom told me how she was crying because she remembered the days when I was young and how things used to be, Look at me and you’ll see I really messed it up. I failed her.  I am only hoping for prayers to be answered, hoping that somehow I can make people who I love truly  happy, all of them. Yes I do pray, not every night but I do, I pray for the people I love and their family. I seldom ask anything for myself because I know really I don’t deserve. But still I am hoping.

My grandma told me how I got my scar on the back of my head, it was because when I was a child I climbed a steel railing and my weight made it fall on top of me. She taught I died that time. I wish I did, I told myself. I really wish I did. It would have been great, I would have chosen that over this life. Pathetic isn’t it? Yes you can say it, I am a coward, I am weak, I am selfish. Fucking selfish. But you see wouldn’t it be great to die young and innocent? Knowing for sure you’ll end up there. It is the only easy way to go a better place where you won’t worry anymore. Well I can just end it right now, right at this moment. But I can’t, yeah I am a coward. If I take my life I surely not be in a better place. I still can end it, not right now, I’m still a bit responsible, things are way complicated now. I can’t still end it and I don’t want It taken from me yet because somehow I know there is still something out there for me.

As I realize that the year have ended, I suddenly felt sad, I don’t know why, probably because years are passing by and yet I haven’t accomplished anything at all. I keep telling myself that it’ll be ok, that the sun will still shines after every night. I’m waiting and hoping for that miracle. Somebody should keep reminding this to me. I’ll admit that at times I just want to quit and not try anymore.

Yet when I see you smile and just knowing that you love me. When I hear the laughter of my son, the smile of my mom, lola and my brother. I can keep on going. Happy thoughts i think is what keeping me happy and keep me going right now. Happy thoughts like walking the long stretch of the beach holding hands and kayaking the puerto beach , chasing and running after my son, chatting and laughing and teasing with mom and lola and talking japanese caveman english with my brother. Happy thoughts that is the key.

still waiting

I wish you won’t say you’re ok when you’re not

I wish that you don’t keep your feelings from me
By this time I know you somehow
When you do this I’m transported back to the same road

The road that I don’t know where it leads.

I know that it is me that makes you feel like this.
Is it the baggages that I carry?
Is it too heavy to carry?
Am I not trying hard enough or trying anymore?
Am I a nuisance now?
Am I keeping you from the things you want to do?
Is it because I’m with you and I’m living with you?
Or is it simply that you are not happy anymore with me and what we have?

You may not know but still again I am here, walking and waiting,
I’m still by your side
Still trying to be a hero
I may be broke as hell but I’m still the same me,
Still the same as the first day we met
Still having the feeling of sudden realization
Still the person who want to be with you.
Still the person who needs you

Don’t pity me, I don’t want it.

Just don’t leave me hanging…

Sometimes I can be like this

Sometimes I can be clingy and needy like this with you. It could be happy and sad.

I’ll be the hero in your sky

When you feel that you are inadequate in this world, that you have failed to do what is expected of you,

when you feel everything has gone wrong and this life is cruel that whatever you do or how hard you try things doesn’t seem to fall into its right place,

when you feel weak and unsure of yourself,

when you’re sad because close friends or love ones seems to be tired of you because of your emotions,

when you feel like nobody cares, that the whole world is plotting against you and nobody can be trusted,

I am here, you can always come home to me, we will make things better and it will be. I will be that hero in your sky if you let me.. and you too will be mine.

Am I failing?

Almost late again for work, that’s always the scenario everyday, for a team leader that’s pretty fucked up. I can’t seem to get myself together these past days. Everything that I hold dearest seems to be crumbling down or at least thats how I feel, There are days that I let myself sink, but of course I’m not giving up that easily or I like think I’m that kind of person. I know I’m doing my best but why do I feel like I will fail in the end? Fuck, I can even fix my fucking hair. Yeah I know it’s sad but it bothers me.

Got promoted and got a good raise but I know I don’t deserve it, I’m just slacking off at work, more responsibilities for me and I think sooner or later the management will realize I don’t deserve it. Ah fuck it! Sometimes I wonder how life will be in the mountains or in the wild just thinking of nothing but the food I need. Like the movie “into the wild”. Nah I know I won’t survive even a single day, how pathetic is that. I wish there is some kind of pill or tool that will make everything ok.

yes I would

I love you too much that your past won’t stop me from being with you. I didn’t tell you last time why I was bothered by the questions I asked you was because I wish it was me. I was bothered more because I hate to think I’m possessive and selfish and probably obsessive and a freak. sigh…  Yes I would.